


uncertainty

by daltaeil



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Kissing, M/M, Sleepy Cuddles, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings, Young Love, chensung - Freeform, im sorry im still bad at tagging, jaemin is more forward w his feelings, just to fulfil my nomin fantasies, lapslock, nomin, nomin fight a lot but they love each other so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-24 13:25:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18165770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daltaeil/pseuds/daltaeil
Summary: three times jaemin and jeno question their relationship + one time they're sure of it





	uncertainty

**Author's Note:**

> rated T for cursing but there isn't that much of it!  
> i hope you enjoy reading it~  
> (apologies in advance for any typos or grammatical errors aaaa but thanks mickie for pointing most of them out for me!)

**1.**  

it's been five minutes since the school bell rang to signal the end of the long day, and jeno is standing by the gates of the school building with a strawberry lollipop in one hand and a blueberry one in his mouth. he taps his foot against the concrete floor and runs a hand through his honey-brown hair, turning back when he hears a voice shout his name. he smiles because he recognises the voices as the one that lulls him to sleep most nights but the smile is turned upside down when he sees it is two boys running towards him instead of one, albeit quickly gathering himself and smiling as the two boys neared him.

"jaem! and hi, renjun," jeno pulls the former in for a hug, leaving his hand secured around jaemin's waist. jaemin giggles and leans in to peck jeno on the chin and renjun scrunches his nose up in faux disgust. "okay, lovebirds, go on. bye jaemin, see you tomorrow! oh and bye jeno," renjun hurries, waving to both boys before walking towards his parked bicycle around the corner. jeno pretends that he didn't notice how renjun nearly forgot to say goodbye to him and had added it in hurriedly, instead looking over at jaemin and planting a kiss on his forehead.

"hi, love. why were you two together?" jeno arches his brow as he moves his hand to hold jaemin's, and the two start walking towards the bus stop.

"renjun and i had last period together because his teacher wasn't here, so his class merged with mine. then he offered to wait for me while i was asking mr lee about the upcoming test," jaemin replies, taking the strawberry lollipop out of jeno's hands. he unwraps it quickly and discards the wrapper in a dustbin when he passes it, before popping the lollipop into his mouth and letting the familiar taste of artificial strawberry flavouring rest peacefully on his tongue. jeno, on the other hand, opts for fiddling the lollipop around in his mouth as he hums in response to jaemin's words.

"so where do you want to eat?" jeno throws another question when the two boys finally sit down at the bus stop, fingers still laced together. jaemin plays with their fingers and lets out an easy hum, and jeno purses his lips. "let's decide on the bus then," jeno says, to which jaemin nods and squeezes jeno's hand gently.

the two boys board the bus hand-in-hand and make a beeline for the seats right at the back. jeno claims the window seat and jaemin immediately slides in next to jeno, lowering himself so he can lean his head on jeno's shoulder. the bus journey is a mere ten minutes to the central, where there are various food options, from the usual fast food to fusion restaurants and even dessert parlours, so you would think that picking a meal here would be easy.

well, apparently not for jaemin and jeno.

"pasta?" "we ate that yesterday." a moment of silence.

"fried chicken?" "i don't want to break out again…" another moment of silence.

"um… sushi? you were craving it the other day right?" "yeah but my stomach hasn't been too good today… raw fish won't settle well."

silence again.

jeno grits his teeth and runs a hand through his hair, trying not to get frustrated. jaemin is picky with food, everyone knows, but jeno is currently very hungry and sweaty, and those are two things jeno hates being. he takes a sharp breath and places a kiss on jaemin's temple, whispering a "you pick then?" to jaemin. but the younger boy simply shrugs and replies with a "i'm fine with anything, baby."

and jeno can feel himself getting annoyed but he squeezes jaemin's hand quietly, free hand tapping against the metal bench they were sitting on. "anything? hm… how about chinese food then?" jeno suggests, inwardly crossing his fingers. alas, jaemin replies, "i'm not really feeling chinese food today." jeno is actually frustrated now. on a normal day, he would simply smile and wait for jaemin to finally decide on a place; however, jeno wasn't having it today. maybe it's the heat and the disgusting beads of sweat he can feel rolling down his neck, or the grumbling in his stomach that jaemin can't seem to ear but is deafening to jeno's own ears, but jeno is annoyed and he stands up abruptly which makes jaemin look up at him in confusion.

"oh my god jaemin… can't you just decide what to eat?" jeno groans, carding his hands through his hair as he lets out an annoyed huff. jaemin visibly tenses, because jeno doesn't usually call jaemin by his actual first name, usually choosing other pet names like baby, love or even jaem. jeno never uses 'jaemin' unless it's a serious matter, and the thought of it makes jaemin furrow his brows. "calm down babe… it's just dinner, let me think alright?" jaemin offers, taking jeno's hand into his and trying to get him to sit back down. jeno rolls his eyes and doesn't bother to hide his frustration anymore, grumbling under his breath, "yeah it's just dinner, but you're always so damn indecisive," but then wishing he hadn't let his words slip.

jaemin stops pondering and turns to glare at jeno. "did you just call me indecisive?" jeno turns to make eye contact with a scowling jaemin and wants to stay quiet but instead nods and snaps back. "yeah, because you fucking are? i suggested so many foods and you had something to say about each of them, but you can't even pick a place to eat either! you're always so indecisive picking food," jeno lashes out and before he can hold his next sentence from leaving his lips, he already regrets thinking it. 

"you were so indecisive between me and renjun last time, too. wonder if you ever actually decided between one of us." jeno's eyes immediately widen and his mouth hangs open where the words left. regret brims in him the moment he sees jaemin's eyes turn beady with upset and anger. "why'd you bring that up? that was so unrelated. and you know i picked you… you know i like you, jeno." jaemin's voice is quivering and jeno wants nothing more than to pull jaemin into a tight hug, but his own rash words have left him frozen. "i thought you forgave me," jaemin adds on, and jeno looks down at his hands.

"yeah, i did. but i can't forget it." jeno quietly responds. he hears what sounds like a choked sob leave jaemin's throat, but he dares not look up to confirm it. moments pass, silence only avoided by jeno's gulps and soft sniffles on jaemin's side. it can't be more than a few minutes when jaemin finally stands up, and jeno keeps his head low but he can see jaemin's legs shake the slightest bit. he cautiously looks up and wishes he hadn't, because he is met with a tear-stricken face and a sad smile.

"i'll go home first, jen. get home safe, text me when you're home," jaemin says, _breathes_ , and leans down to kiss the seated boy's head before turning and shuffling off in the direction. jeno is left alone on the metal bench, and the heat on his forehead imprinted by jaemin's lips are a contrast to the growing chill from the metal bench against his raw palm. his mind is swirling and he wants to rewind time and take back all the words he shouldn't have said, but he knows he can't. so jeno sits for another fifteen minutes, when he's sure jaemin should already be on the bus home, and heads to the bus stop on his own, only accompanied by the night breeze.

the two boys head home separately with different attitudes. jaemin crashes onto his bed, loud and wailing and upset and angry; he throws all these sounds and emotions onto his duvet, his pillow, his stuffed ryan plush that jeno had given him on valentines' day. jeno sits on his bed quietly, letting the thoughts in his head speak over the lack of noise around him; he is still bursting with regret at his choice of words. but an overpowering emotion is disbelief. how did making an everyday decision on where to eat evolve into a cold war? why did he let himself bring up renjun-

so maybe it wasn't the heat or the hunger. maybe it was the sight of jaemin and renjun laughing side by side, and the rising feeling in jeno at that. maybe it was jeno's worry that when jaemin confessed that night, it wasn't genuine. 

and on the other end of the street, jaemin lies on his stomach, balling his sheets in his fists as he tries to figure out how deciding where to eat resulted in… this. did jeno not trust jaemin's feelings for him? was he not clear enough that he liked jeno?

and at that moment, the same thought clicked into both boys' heads. if they let a small disagreement spiral into bringing up past episodes and cold wars, how were they going to make bigger decisions in the future? they spent the night tossing and turning, the unfamiliar emptiness of the spaces beside them feeding the spiralling worries in their head — the spiralling worries about their relationship.

**2.**

it is a cool summer afternoon, perfect weather for the first day of the short week-long term break. jaemin and jeno’s group of friends have decided to have a picnic thus they were currently sprawled out on three picnic mats, chatting and laughing about anything and everything. jaemin’s head lays on jeno’s chest, which heaves up and down with every breath jeno takes. their fingers are intertwined loosely, as jeno ponders about how the next term’s timetable will be with mark, and jaemin is cooing over puppy videos from jisung’s phone. donghyuck and chenle get up (and so does renjun because he adores the above two too much to ever be away from them) and decide to play around with the frisbee. 

“come on, jaemin, jeno! don’t be lazy,” chenle whines and jisung wasn't addressed but he stands up anyway to join the three on the wide grass field. jeno and mark cut short their conversation, and the former looks over at jaemin who has a pout on his lips. nodding immediately, jeno sits up and shouts back, “jaemin’s tired, i'll rest here with him. y’all have fun!” 

mark chuckles when the other four collectively snicker at jeno’s words, and joins them to go play anyway. jaemin shifts so he’s laying on the mat and turns on his side to face jeno, smiling when he sees jeno mirror his actions. “hi handsome, it’s just us now,” jaemin breathes, giggling and leaning in to kiss jeno. jeno chuckles into the kiss, placing his arm lazily on jaemin’s shoulder before lifting and turning jaemin onto him. jaemin yelps, complaining about how his weight is going to crush jeno and jeno shuts jaemin up with a deep kiss, to which jaemin has zero complaints.

“hey lovebirds,” donghyuck’s voice rings, and jaemin looks up from peppering jeno’s face with kisses to meet donghyuck’s expression of mock disgust. the boy sits down and narrows his eyes at the couple, before opening his mouth to ask. “so are you guys.... boyfriends?” donghyuck tests the waters, and continues speaking when jeno and jaemin both sit up to talk properly. “i mean, one day you just started kissing in front of us so we all just assumed so but like... it's always nice to confirm things,” donghyuck notices jeno arch his eyebrow which jaemin almost immediately turns to smooth out.

“well, not really,” jeno suddenly replies when jaemin is about to speak up. the younger boy pauses and turns to jeno with a mix of expressions, to which jeno doesn't respond to. “i mean of course we’re something, but what does it matter right?” jeno squeezes jaemin’s hand and turns to kiss his cheek. jaemin flashes a meek smile and forces out a “yeah.” and donghyuck throws them a suspicious smile. “alright then. okay go on sucking your not-boyfriend’s face off then, jeno,” donghyuck cackles, barely avoiding the plastic container jeno aims at him.

the moment donghyuck heads back to the other boys on the field, jaemin straightens and lets go of jeno’s hand. jeno frowns and reaches out to cup jaemin’s cheek. “what’s wrong, love?” he whispers, and jaemin purses his lips. “we’re... not boyfriends?” he notices jeno tense and let out a quiet sigh. “then what are we, jeno?”

jeno is quiet. jaemin’s question is a question that, in all honesty, he had no answer to. the two had been an ongoing thing for a few months, and there had never been action taken to label them except the day they both admitted their feelings for each other. jeno remembers that, and opens his mouth. “we like each other right? isn't that all that matters? we don't need to label it,” jeno offers, and the crease between jaemin’s brows only deepen. “jeno, not-boyfriends don’t kiss and call each other ‘baby’ and ‘love’, if you weren't aware.” jaemin’s voice sounds distant, and jeno is unsure of what to reply. both boys knew the weight of their feelings for each other, and it was equally as apparent to the people around them. but it seemed that jeno wasn't actually aware of the gravity of it all. so jaemin’s next words caught him very off guard.

“jeno... i-i love you. i thought you did too, but now i don't know. do you love me too?” jaemin’s voice is shaky, like stepping on a balancing beam for the first time, like learning how to cycle, like taking your first step into a completely new school, and the new realisation throws jeno off.

jaemin’s voice is hesitant, and so is jeno’s when it finally comes out.

“i-i don't know, jaemin. i don't know.”

**3.**

jaemin has to take a make-up test because he was sick on the day of the actual chemistry test, so jeno is sat in the school cafe alone as he goes over notes from the lesson that had just ended. his brows are furrowed as he taps his pen against the table, following the beat of whatever song is blasting from his airpods. he studies and mouths the words in his squiggly handwriting quietly, but his peace is broken when two blonde heads of hair appear in his peripheral vision. as expected, it's chenle and jisung, the youngest ones in their friend group, who have just ended their classes.

“jeno-hyung~!” chenle chimes, sliding into the seat across from jeno while jisung takes his place besides chenle (which is no surprise because these two always cone as a package deal). jeno looks up and sees the rest of chenle and jisung’s class fleeting past the cafe and towards the school gate, most probably eager to escape the hellhole they'd been in for the past 6 hours. turning to chenle, jeno offers a small smile and reaches out to ruffle chenle’s hair, earning a small pout from the younger. the three sit in a comfortable silence — well, jeno sits in a comfortable silence and continues his revision, while chenle and jisung start chatting and bickering over random topics like usual. 

“hyung!” jeno only looks up from his notes when he hears chenle call out to him. jisung has apparently gone to the toilet, and chenle is leaning forward, chin atop his propped elbows. “yes, le?” jeno arches a brow in question, and chenle smiles at the nickname. “i just want to know... well not that i'm going to do it, i'm just curious. really! just curious,” chenle blabbers and jeno immediately figures out this has something to do with jisung because chenle only ever gets this flustered when it comes to jisung. “ask ahead, le,” jeno laughs, always gentle with chenle.

at jeno’s light tone, chenle asks daringly, “hyung, how did you tell jaemin-hyung you love him?” jeno freezes up and chenle seems to have noticed, as he reaches out and waves his hand as if embarrassed with what he just said. “i mean i know all of you hyungs think we're really young at all, but you don't have to be this shocked...” chenle nibbles on his lower lip tentatively and jeno runs a hand through his hair wordlessly. 

“chenle... i don't think you and sung are too young. if anything, i think the two of you are at a great age to explore and if you think you love him, then tell him. but... i haven't told jaemin i love him.” it's chenle’s turn to freeze, and his embarrassment morphs into confusion. “you... haven't? haven't you and hyung been dating for months now?” jeno hesitates to follow up, thinking of the least confusing way to phrase things to the younger boy.

“well... yeah but, i haven't told him because that day during term break, at the field with all of you... we kind of argued about it. i wasn't sure if i loved him so i hadn't said it,” jeno’s voice is hushed, as if speaking of a sacred matter not to be mentioned in the public eye. chenle tilts his head, curiosity piqued, and asks another question. “so do you love jaemin-hyung?” a small piece of quiet comes, followed by jeno’s soft voice.

“...yes.”

“does jaemin-hyung know?”

“...no.”

chenle leans back in his seat at this and is about to speak again when jeno starts. “but don't... don't tell jaemin. it's kind of a big matter, i'll tell him myself,” he almost pleads, and chenle’s sympathetic smile offers the strangest sort of comfort.

as if on cue to break the mood, jisung returns from the toilet and pulls chenle up. “jeno-hyung, me and lele are gonna go now! we're going to get ice cream then watch the sunset,” jisung chirps and jeno lets the sweet scent of hopeless romance, dripping from jisung’s words, seep into his system. “have fun, kids,” jeno pats them both on the bag and waves them off. just as chenle turns one last time to wave at jeno, jeno flashes a thumbs up and a wink at the younger. seeing jeno mouth a “good luck”, chenle flushes and rushes out behind jisung. “they're so in love,” jeno wonders out loud after that, then keeps his next thought to himself. ‘i wonder if that's how people see us, that chenle assumed we've exchanged the L word.’ in an attempt to distract himself, jeno shakes his head and goes back to waiting for jaemin and studying his notes that gradually become odd blurs of black and blue on the paper.

it is a week later when jaemin storms into jeno’s room as jeno is working on arithmetics. it's no surprise that jaemin is here without forewarning — jeno’s parents love jaemin to bits and often let him in at his will (because honestly, who can refuse that precious smile), but what comes as a surprise is the look of upset and anger plastered on jaemin’s face. jeno pushes his work aside right away and stands with open arms, walking towards jaemin but instead of diving into jeno’s arms like he usually does, jaemin swats jeno’s arms away and pushes jeno onto the bed. jeno is scared, to say the least, because jaemin almost never gets angry and has an impeccable patience comparable to none. jaemin looms over jeno and as the eye contact holds, jeno notices jaemin’s anger twist into more of a sadness, almost like betrayal.

“what’s wrong, jaem?” jeno asks, and tears immediately brim in jaemin’s eyes. jaemin blinks them away and jeno can feel his heart cracking slowly. “what's wrong?” jaemin retorts, “what’s wrong? what's wrong is that all this time i've been thinking you didn't love me yet and i was trying so hard to suppress my disappointment. and then i hear from chenle that you fucking love me but don't want me to know? how am i supposed to feel?” jaemin cries out, backing himself up against the wall and sliding down. jeno mentally curses at chenle but knows he can't blame the boy anyway; chenle has always had his hyungs’ best interests at heart. 

“jaem, baby... i was planning to tell you soon, i just didn't want you to make a big deal out of it,” jeno’s voice drips with hesitance and guilt, but jaemin’s head whips up and he narrows his eyes at jeno. “big deal? so you don't think saying ‘i love you’ is a big deal?” jeno knows he should just shut up and let jaemin shout at him, but his defensiveness gets the better of him and he rebuts. 

“i mean, jaem… you tend to overreact over these kinda sappy things."

jaemin’s tears spill out of his eyes like a bucket overflowing after collecting too much water from the leaking hole in the ceiling. “sappy things? is ‘i love you’ just another sappy thing to you, lee jeno? oh my god... i-i can't believe you,” jaemin blurts out in frustration, punctuating his sentence with an angry groan. “this... this relationship between us. does it matter to you?” jeno wants to speak, but it feels like there’s a piece of something lodged in his throat. “honestly,” jaemin continues when jeno doesn't answer, “aside from the fact that you told chenle first, i’m so happy to finally know that yes, you love me too. but this... you not saying anything... d-do you actually love me?” the last question comes out as a cracked whisper and jeno looks up to see tears running down jaemin’s face. he feels like he got stabbed in the heart and jaemin turns to leave the room when jeno keeps his silence. jeno reaches out to grab jaemin’s wrist loosely but jaemin shuns his touch. “i’m going to go for a walk, call me when you sort yourself out.” jaemin's words are harsh, yet they hold no menace; jeno doesn’t know if he’s grateful for that or if it makes him feel guiltier. he’s uncertain. 

**+**

the cool friday night breeze sways its way through jeno’s bedroom window as the two lay together on said boy’s bed. jaemin’s head is on jeno’s chest and jeno’s arm is under jaemin’s head and around his shoulder, tracing absentmindedly up and down jaemin’s forearm. his other hand holds his phone up and the two boys are watching a random animation; they just need something lighthearted to unwind from the three back-to-back exams they had taken earlier that day. jaemin snuggles closer and throws one leg over jeno’s, tangling their legs loosely and jeno simply smiles at jaemin’s koala-like actions; the younger boy tended to get clingier than usual on nights like these, not that jeno minded one bit. as the movie ended and the ending credits rolled, jaemin let out a soft yawn and rubbed his eyes with the sleeves of his (well, jeno’s) sweater and jeno had to hold himself back from cooing loudly. “sleepy?” jeno places a kiss on jaemin’s head and the sleepy boy nods. jeno plugs his phone into the charger and leans over jaemin to turn off the main lights, turning on the night light, and draw the curtains; jaemin seizes the opportunity to really wrap himself around jeno. they chat a bit more, mainly jeno asking questions and jaemin replying with incoherent words, the small talk accompanied by the rustling of the curtains, the whirring of the ceiling fan and their steady heartbeats.

the easy conversation dies down when jaemin doesn’t reply to jeno’s question about his plans for tomorrow, and jeno looks down to see that jaemin’s eyes have closed. he was so close that he could see each individual lash fan out under jaemin’s eyelid, and the warm yet dim lighting from the night light hit jaemin in a way that he glowed. jeno's heart swells with love and affection for the younger boy as he takes in every nook and cranny of jaemin’s face. when jeno leans down to brush jaemin’s fringe aside, jaemin shifts and mumbles a slurred “good night jen, i love you” which jeno can't help but smile  at. 

when jeno is sure jaemin is asleep, he whispers back an “i love you too, angel”, and switches off the nightlight. but of course jaemin isn’t, and he can’t control the corner of his lips quirking up to form a small smile. jeno notices and without another word, leans down to kiss jaemin’s lips sweetly, before licking his own lips quickly and muttering a “sweet dreams” into jaemin’s hair.

jaemin decides that jeno’s voice is the last thing he wants to hear before he falls asleep, and jeno is sure that jaemin’s lips are the last thing he wants to taste before he knocks out.

and jaemin and jeno are always uncertain of how their relationship is going; how will their relationship progress? but in that moment, as they drifted off to sleep in each other's arms, there’s one thing they couldn’t be more certain of, and that was that they loved each other very much.

and maybe sometimes it’s just that certainty that matters.

 

**Author's Note:**

> hello~!!! thank u for taking the time to read this 4.2k word vomit ;-;  
> i just had a sudden 3+1 fic idea pop up in my mind so i wrote this over the course of 2-3 days at night and on the bus lmao  
> also the angsts are kinda,,,, based off personal experience? my ex and i used to end up arguing from not being able to decide on where to eat, and we ever fought over labelling ourselves  
> aaaaand the fluff turned out kinda underwhelming so im sorry :(  
> but yeah i !!!! hope u enjoyed this, leave kudos and feedback if you want to hehehe  
> here's my [twt](https://twitter.com/taeildal) if you care for it!! let's be friends <3


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